


Do Better

by eccentrics (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, M/M, Post-Canon, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-05-22
Updated: 2011-05-21
Packaged: 2017-10-19 16:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/202971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/eccentrics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How John and Karkat's Relationship Went, Then They Broke Up, Then They Got Back Together, There is A Puppy Named Meg Ryan Towards the Middle, A lot of Quadrant Flipping, A Jealous Karkat and a Wizard Roleplay, Both of Them Are Really Awkward and For Some Reason They Keep Going On In This Weird Relationship</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do Better

**Author's Note:**

> So, someone told me to have John and Karkat in an established relationship. I suppose this sets up the base for it! This doesn't have all of what the summary says, but the other parts will be added when I write them. It's not really a "chaptered" series but I like to organize it like that, so this part can also be seen as complete! Uhm, enjoy!!!

When they first met each other in the Veil, several trolls and humans realized what was going to happen between the two of them. At first, it was a silent agreement between all of them, then it’s Terezi who mentions it in casual conversation and now it’s some sort of _hobby_. There is a betting pool for possibly everything involving John and Karkat’s love life, neither of them knew of its existence. Will they ever fill a pail? The question was dismissed and someone kicked Eridan in the shin for suggesting it, most likely Jade. Okay, when will John watch his first romantic comedy? When will Karkat sit down for a Nicolas Cage movie? When will the relationship go public? How long will it take for Karkat to be jealous and cause everyone’s lives misery?

Well, nobody won the third (maybe fifth, could be sixth) betting pool.

Karkat and John got together three weeks after coming back to Earth.

\---

They kissed before that though.

The first time was when they were fighting over a pack of Twizzlers, possibly the _last_ pack. The thing is they both had the same intention to do some movie marathon at the same exact time and they both took their snacks very, _very_ seriously.

It all goes to shit with John lands on top of the troll, Karkat lets out a low growl right after John tugs the bag of Twizzlers towards his direction. “Hand it over, _Karkat_.”

“Try me, _Egbert_.”

And it’s then John leans down, about to do _something_ in order to get the bag of Twizzlers, except that the position they’re in is more compromising than before and between their respective shelves of movies. Nothing happens for a couple of seconds, until John’s face flushes.

“Uh...are you going to--”

“Shut it, fuckass.”

Karkat’s lips _smashed_ against John’s, it’s all teeth and mess, maybe Karkat is even _drooling_ a little there’s probably no doubt about that.  John Egbert’s first kiss consists of disgusting troll mouth and he _shrieks_ in the back of his throat and yet he kisses him back anyway, then their teeth bump really awkwardly and Karkat has to pull away.

There isn’t much more to it than that, Karkat didn’t talk to John for about a week.

Trolls sure are weird.

\---  
Two weeks later, John Egbert started to question his sexuality.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:15! -- 

EB: dave?  
TG: sup Egbert  
EB: um, are you there this time because the last time i came into your room was really weird.  
TG: jesus you shouldnt be so awkward about it  
EB: well how am i supposed to act!  
EB: i mean she was licking your face, dude! that’s weird!  
TG: maybe you should have joined in  
TG: i can feel your homo vibes from here  
TG: rose told me about your kiss with karkat  
TG: but i know its me you want  
EB: dave this is serious!  
TG: i am being serious

\-- ectoBiologist  [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:25! --

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 16:27--

EB: rose why.  
TT: Is this about the incident concerning your repressed sexuality and therefore the inner turmoil regarding your encounter with Karkat?  
TT: Or is this about the wizard roleplay on Friday night that left psychological scars and emotional trauma for all the players involved?  
EB: what.  
EB: i’m over the wizard thing okay!  
TT: Fantastic.  
EB: i put on my wizard beard and hat.  
TT: Are you presently trying to avoid the topic of your sexuality crisis by undergoing several attempts to bring up the night of Rendezvous and Wizard Roleplay?  
EB: i just can’t believe you do wizard roleplay with kanaya.  
TT: My private, late night possibly sexual life with Kanaya has nothing to do with your sexuality crisis.  
TT: At least not at this present time.  
TT: I can however, determine the several fetishes you may experiment with in your time with Karkat.   
EB: i don’t want to talk about this anymore.  
EB: just why did you tell dave.  
TT: He deduced the conclusion of your sexuality and your encounter with Karkat himself, I just confirmed his suspicions.  
EB: okay whatever!  
EB: how did you deal with it?  
TT: If you are referring to my own sexuality and romantic feelings towards Kanaya, then I had nothing to repress. Kanaya and I are very similar in nature and I have never had a problem with my sexuality, she is truly remarkable.  
TT: Simply put, she makes me happy.  
TT: Troll biology is also simply captivating and I await with anticipation our future conversations on that topic.  
EB: oh my god.  
TT: Would you prefer to talk to Dave about the strange troll erogenous zones that are required of their species? There are also the possible dangers of certain sexual situations with trolls.  
TT: I honestly believe that I can provide a more verbose, precise and thorough explanation.  
EB: how do you know  
EB: rose?  
TT: At least it appears that I’ll win the betting pool.  
EB: what?

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:36! --

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:40! --

GG: hi john!!! :D  
EB: oh hey jade.  
EB: i was going to pester you just right now, hehe.  
GG: oh yeah is this about karkat???  
GG: he says you’re being stupider than usual! :/  
EB: jegus does everyone know?  
EB: this is horrible.  
GG: well if it means anything he likes you too!!!  
GG: right? D:  
EB: i am not a homosexual.  
GG: geeze john it’s okay! you can still have a crush on liv tyler and like karkat!!!  
GG: okay? :D  
EB: see jade i should have gone to you first.  
EB: you always know what to say.  
GG: besides if that fuckass does anything to you i will kick his ass!!!  
EB: um, that’s great.  
EB: can you do me a favor and not tell anyone about this?

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:58! --

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at 17:02! --

EB: vriska?  
AG: Is this a8out Karkat?

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at 17:04! --

AG: Geeeeeeeeze.  
AG: You are acting dum8, what were you expecting? ::::/ 

\-- ectoBiologist  [EB] started pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at 17:08! --

EB: i’ll stay if you don’t talk about any gross stuff around me.  
AG: Ewwwwwwww. Karkat is 8oring and ugly, why would I?  
EB: vriska nobody is taking me seriously.  
AG: 8ut John your flushed feelings for Karkat were o8vious.  
AG: When he walked in and gr8ted my nerves and interrupted Con Air you stared at him, it was disgusting!!!!!!!!  
AG: 8esides Karkat is just as dum8 as you, if not dum8er, I have noooooooo idea what you see in him.  
EB: he’s not that bad!  
EB: we’ve always been buddies, i like making him happy  
EB: even if he hates nic cage and loves cake.  
AG: I’m going to 8arf.  
AG: I don’t understand humans.  
EB: just out of all of you he’s...  
AG: Un8eliva8ly emotional and human?  
AG: I think he appreci8s you the same way you appreci8 him and you 8lantantly pity him.  
AG: Kanaya told me to 8e sensitive 8ut this is disgusting 8ut I tried for you pupa!!!!!!!!  
EB: vriska you’ve actually been kind of helpful.  
EB: thanks.  
EB: ::::)  
AG: ::::)  
AG: I am alwaaaaaaaays helpful.  
AG: It’s my jo8 to keep you in line you’re a 8rave hero capa8le of 8rave things!!!!!!!!  
AG: So I must throw you in the 8ravest and most dangerous situ8tions.  
EB: uh.  
AG: I guess 8eing nice helps too.  
AG: 8ut a8out Karkat, well........  
AG: Good luck! ::::)

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased pestering at ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:20! --

\---

 **Attempt at Telling Karkat John Is Homosexual #1**

“He didn’t even say anything to me, he just slammed the door.”

“Dude, that’s what happens when you try to make out with someone watching Ghostbusters.”

“I was _not_ trying to make out with him.”

“You really did try to make him sit through Ghostbusters as a sick, crazy alien love ritual didn’t you?”

“…”

“ _Dude.”_

 **Attempt at Telling Karkat John Likes Him #5**

“So we finished all of Scott Pilgrim and he thought it was total shit.”

“How did it go?”

“Well…um…he used a lot of colorful language as he slammed the door on me!”

“I’m going to kill that fuckass!!!”

“Jade wait—“

 **Attempt at Telling Karkat John Likes Him #16**

“Okay I showed him some other movie.”

“Did he succumb to your attempt at being what some may call ‘charming’?”

“Well, I think he calmed down a little and then he started crying at random parts… _then_ he nearly puked on me because he found out how, uh, regular humans are born—“

“John, why on earth did you show him _Juno_ , do you know how much you have damaged your potential alien relationship?”

“He’ll come around once he stops puking!”

“Did you try and give him a bucket to vomit in?  I know these culturally sensitive things tend to slip your mind when you are trying to serenade a potential alien love interest.”

“…”

\---

Karkat did come around, they were watching Nick and Norah’s infinite playlist and neither of them was paying attention to a movie.  John just reaches for the remote control and turns the television off, Karkat opens his mouth to protest but he stops instead.  “You…don’t want to finish it?”  John hesitates, looking down at his feet.

“Of course I do fuckass.”  He avoids looking at him; but he doesn’t grab him and try to fight the remote out of him, just keep avoiding him but John could _swear_ he was waiting on him.

John smiles a little bit, “Alright well.”  He shoves some twizzlers in Karkat’s direction, chuckling a bit.  “Here, you can have the extras.”

“Can you just start the fucking movie already or do I have to listen to some of your human shit.”  John hesitates but Karkat keeps going on, “Wait wait, I have to get ready for the think pan slime that will pour out of every orifice of my body from how stupid this is going to be.”

John just laughs and he almost says something else, but he sees Karkat open his mouth again, so John just ends up _grabbing_ him by the waist but then he’s not sure where to go from there.

Karkat doesn’t even blush, he looks like he’s going to snarl at him and instead he grabs John by the collar.  “Look I don’t want to deal with your dumb—“

He tries to assess the situation; actually, he’s really bad at stuff like that.  He doesn’t think of telling Karkat he likes him, he doesn’t think about reaching out to grab his hand or stroke his face, he doesn’t even grin, no he just blurts it out.

“Can I kiss you?”

Karkat stares at him, he almost sputters out like he usually does but instead he just _groans_.  “What the fuck Egbert.”

John took that as a yes.

Well, except that Karkat pushes him off after the third kiss, “You’re doing it all fucking wrong.”

At least Karkat shows him how to do it right though.

\---

John squirms underneath Karkat, the troll is breathing heavily on top of him and John lets out a tiny laughter. “You bite a lot.  It’s really weird!”

Karkat snarls at him a little, grunting as John silences his first statement with a deep kiss and bringing him closer, their hips touching and Karkat breaks away just a little, breathing right into his neck and pulling at his hair.  “Get fucking used to it,” he spats out before John can silence him again with another kiss.

The troll _digs_ his nails into John’s back biting and smashing him all the while, “Ow--!  You scratched me.”  John whines in the back of his throat, he grips onto Karkat’s shirt a bit tighter and tries really hard not to _gasp_. 

“Egbert, if you keep fucking talking…”  Karkat cocks an eyebrow and trails off, moving his hand further down his back, but releasing the deep grip.  He’s staring at John, whose face is leaned into his neck and he has a stupid grin on his face.  “Wait what the hell, what was that?”

“Huh?”  He breathes, putting his hands on Karkat’s hips, still grinning.

Karkat can’t help but sputter, John still leaning against his shoulder, he’s quietly _humming_ as he traces Karkat’s hip bones. “You just…just—“

“Hey I can make you make…noises too!”  It’s playful the way John says it, kissing him _once_ , _twice,_ a third time too, all in quick succession.  He lets his hands roam further up from his hip, still humming all the way and all Karkat can do is _try_ to whisper his name.

“ _Egbert.._.”

\---

Karkat ended up throwing him out, but at least this time he insulted him a bit and he’ll probably avoid him for the next week but _still_ —

John lets out a sigh, but when he turns around Kanaya is standing against a wall, she’s _smiling_.

“Congratulations.  I think he really likes you.”  Kanaya stops for a second, “A word of advice, you should probably leave the house on a _date_ if he ever wants to take you seriously.  Karkat is very…traditional.”

John groans, you know, trying to charm an alien happened to be very hard work.

\---

Kanaya Maryam addresses the groups of trolls and humans behind her, she says simply one sentence that has all of them go into an uproar,

“I win the betting pool.”

\---

John doesn’t like calling charming Karkat difficult, he doesn’t like calling confessing his feelings difficult, he _knows_ Karkat is difficult and frankly he wouldn’t like it any other way. 

Being with—no—having Karkat as a boyfriend—no, none of that is right, no matter what he tries to do none of that sounds right to him, so John just smiles to himself.

Karkat has more priorities than a girl does, he doesn’t like to kiss in public, he doesn’t like to hold affection at all, he has a huge jealousy problem, he hates all of John’s movies besides a few, he’s a big cry baby, he likes all of his dad’s cake, he hogs all the covers on the bed and eats all the twizzlers.

John doesn’t know how to handle any of it, but weirdly he _likes_ all of it, he likes reassuring the troll, laughing at him, cringing when he stuff his dad’s cakes in his mouth, you know he _likes_ it. 

The best moments are when Karkat lets him have a little more of the covers than usual, when he gives John a half eaten twizzler, when Karkat cries on his shoulder in the middle of a stupid movie of his.

But there are moments he has to hate—

“I’m so proud of you son.”

John looks up to see his dad, holding a cake that Karkat is eyeing greedily, in purple and pink frosting it says; _Congratulations on your first alien relationship, I’m so proud of you son_.

“Your dad made you a homocake.”

“Dave!”

“ _Strider_.”

John doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.


End file.
